Written by Perhaps you’re wondering why I’m writing about sex again.
Well, I have some catching up to do.
Although the world has no problem cramming sex into almost every aspect of life, people of faith tend not to talk about it. Heck, I’ve written more about ice cream in the past year than I have about this critical topic, and I decided that needs to change.
Because this newsletter highlights aspects of our lives that may need healing and restoration, we can’t ignore sexuality; it causes more pain and confusion than almost every other topic. Sadly, many people suffer in silence with their brokenness, whether it’s a sexless marriage, infidelity, promiscuity, addiction, or something else. I’ve heard many people say (myself included), “Why is the church silent when it comes to sexual discipleship? Shouldn’t followers of Jesus understand this foundational aspect of our humanity and spirituality?”
Why yes! Yes, they should!
So…Let’s jump back in…
Last week, we examined what God may have had in mind when he created sex. Today, we’ll discuss why we all fall short of His plan. (This includes those who have pledged purity until marriage and those who manage to have regular obligatory sex with their spouse.)
Spoiler Alert: Sexual wholeness is not what you think.
If you wonder why I’ve made this claim, let’s review why God may have created sex in the first place: to illustrate His covenant love for us. Juli Slattery, author of Rethinking Sexuality, argues that God created sexual intimacy in marriage to bond two individuals together and to teach us that covenant love should be passionate and sacrificial.
If there is one thing that God is passionate about, it’s love. We know God loved us enough to die for us (how’s that for passion and sacrifice?), and He expects us to love Him and others with an all-encompassing love in return.
“Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”
“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:28-31)
I don’t know about you, but loving God (or anyone else) to the degree that Jesus asks of us sounds like a lot: It requires all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength. That’s what it looks like to be fully intimate with another. That is also a picture of what authentic sexual intimacy looks like.
Many couples who have sex have never experienced true sexual intimacy. A man and woman can share their bodies without being fully present with each other emotionally and spiritually. Sex is so much more than putting “Tab A into Slot B.” It’s sad how few people truly get that.
This misconception is partially why so many of us are broken.
Sexual brokenness is not defined as the manifestation of unwanted symptoms. Instead, it is “anything that keeps us from experiencing sexuality as the gift and metaphor of covenant love” (Juli Slattery). So, a woman who thinks that sex is dirty and shameful needs as much healing as a man who objectifies women for his pleasure. Ditto for unmarried couples who believe that purity allows for engagement in all sorts of sexual acts as long as it’s not intercourse. Surely, that misses the point, no?
What if sexual wholeness was not about rules but more about the condition of our hearts?
Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean. “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside, you appear to people as righteous, but on the inside, you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness. (Matt 23: 26-28)
It’s interesting to note that God often uses sexual metaphors in the Bible to describe His covenant relationship with His chosen people, the Israelites. In Ezekiel 16, God describes how he made a covenant with Israel—” I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you…and you became mine”— but instead of loving him in return, Israel broke her covenant with Him. God responded by calling Israel an adulterous wife: “You adulterous wife! You prefer strangers to your own husband!” (Ezk 16:32)
In this metaphor, God uses illicit sex to represent all the ways that the hearts of the Israelites were far from God. Could it be that sexual intimacy is meant to be a picture of what it looks like to love God (and our spouse) with heart, mind, soul, and strength?
My guess is yes…
And that is where we fall short.
“…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” (Romans 3:23)
Romans 3:23 reminds us that all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory; this includes our sexuality. God’s design for our sexuality is that it would represent His passionate and sacrificial covenant love for us to our spouse. This means that we share our hearts, thoughts, and desires with them in addition to our bodies. Covenant love requires sharing our whole selves:
- Heart and emotions
- Dreams and desires
- Hurts and fears
- Secrets and addictions
I don’t know about you, but this feels a lot more difficult than putting Tab A into Slot B.
No wonder that we struggle.
Another factor that has led to our sexual brokenness is the harm that has been caused by sexual sin. Even if you have not experienced the horror of sexual abuse (and I am so sorry if you have), almost all of us have been exposed to pornographic images (pictures or words), stories of harm, or the objectification of bodies. The distortion of God’s original design for sex seems to have no limits. Once exposed to this distortion, it’s hard to “undo” its effects.
And Satan is counting on that.
Remember, we have an enemy that works overtime to pervert the beauty of what God created. Sadly, we are witnessing the degradation of what was good on a massive scale. Even more sadly, people have been fooled by this degradation.
For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools…
Therefore, God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity so that their bodies would be dishonored among them. For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. (Rom 1:21-22; 24-25)
Although we all have fallen short of God’s plan for human sexuality, the story doesn’t end there.
Remember, the Gospel is good news! Jesus came to seek and save the lost. He’s not mad at you or appalled at your missteps and mistakes.
It’s quite the opposite, actually.
He came to set you free…
Next week, I will present some thoughts on what we can do to heal from sexual brokenness. In the meantime, I encourage you to journal about whatever came up in you as you read this post. If you experienced sadness or grief, ask God to comfort you. If you noticed you felt angry or resistant, ask God to show you the roots of those feelings. If you felt guilt or shame, ask God to forgive you where you got it wrong. Reach out if you need some help processing your emotions.
I’d love for you to share any thoughts or comments below!