Written by “Who are you marrying? That Hodgkin guy?”
“Mom, Hodgkin is a disease…His name is Hosken. Jeff Hosken.”
Sheesh. I was not expecting that response when I told my parents I was getting married.
To be fair, Jeff and I had only known each other for four months when we got engaged, so understandably, Mom was confused about his name. My parents only met him once when he (rather impressively) flew a T-38 jet from Texas to New Jersey on a cross-country training mission to visit me at their house. Although I thought that was the coolest thing ever, I suspect Mom’s impression of him was tarnished when he wadded up her clothes from the dryer instead of folding them as any “decent” person would. Perhaps her name for him was a bit of a Freudian slip.
Nonetheless, our engagement was a bit of a surprise for both of us. When I started dating Jeff, I wasn’t looking for a husband. As a female officer in the Air Force, the ratio of men to women was in my favor, so I was enjoying the dating experience. At twenty-four, I didn’t feel the need to settle down, so I hadn’t seriously considered the qualities I sought in a husband. That was all about to change, though.
After only three months of dating, Jeff asked me what kind of man I wanted to marry, so I listed several qualities without much thought.
- Kind
- Intelligent
- Funny
- Religious (That’s my Catholic roots talking.)
- Adventurous
Jeff thought I had described him perfectly and soon proposed. (Is that confidence, or what!) How could I resist? I responded with an immediate “Yes!”
Thirty-eight years in, I’m still somewhat shocked by our naivety.
Here’s what I know now that I wish I knew then: While character traits are important, and faith-filled promises before God are even better, those things alone don’t guarantee that a marriage will reflect God’s intended plan for the union. After all, even if promises hold the couple together, the marriage could still be a place of loneliness and pain for the individual. This happens more than we think.
In other instances, promises and faith in God are insufficient to hold a couple together. How many of you know good people who love God but have gone through a divorce? I can name a half-dozen couples without thinking, and I suspect you can, too. After all, the divorce rate among Christians is no different than people who don’t know and follow God. What is going on?
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24
Although I don’t pretend to understand every reason why marriages break down, I have a few thoughts to share over the next few weeks. I will share my experience as a wife, augmented by my decades of supporting and counseling couples. If you aren’t married, I encourage you to stick with me because I expect this discussion to be relevant to other relationships as well.
Let’s begin by examining how early childhood attachments impact relationships.
When I married Jeff, I promised to stay with him for better or worse, and I truly meant it. Our parents had long marriages, and I expected we would too. Besides, I thought I had married my “dream” man; I couldn’t imagine why we would ever struggle. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry at that belief. My naivety about marriage was off the charts…
We hit rough waters early on.
Several months into our marriage, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably while trying to convince Jeff he should leave me immediately and save himself the trouble of divorcing me later. I was convinced he’d leave once he knew what I was really like.
In year two of marriage, I threatened him: “Either this marriage will be the best it can be, or I’m outta here.”😬
Even though I didn’t mean what I said, my anxious heart was too flooded with fear to be rational. This is pretty standard for someone who is anxiously attached: those people need constant reassurance to feel secure but can quickly run for the hills when they experience anything that feels like rejection. That sure was me.
Unfortunately, I had no idea what was wrong with me or that there was anything that could be done about it. I never considered that my childhood experiences and traumas would be playing out in such a dramatic way in my marriage.
I wish I had understood that going in.
“They dress the wounds of my people as though it were not serious. ‘Peace, peace,’ they say, when there is no peace.” (Jer 6:14)
Although I appeared to be a driven and successful woman on the outside, I was not at peace inside; rather, I was an insecure mess. When I married Jeff, I thought I would finally experience the unconditional love and peace that my heart desired. I wasn’t wrong to believe that. That can be a byproduct of a healthy and thriving relationship.
However, there was one small problem.
I didn’t know my husband was avoidantly attached. As an avoidantly attached person, he prioritized independence and avoided emotional closeness. He tended to feel overwhelmed by intimacy and vulnerability—exactly what I was desperate to receive🙄. He’d prefer to connect by sharing information or through physical intimacy. Sadly, this did not meet my need to feel emotionally close to him; as a result, I distanced my heart from him to avoid feeling the pain of disconnection. We never stopped loving each other, but distance grew between our hearts over time. Unfortunately, a lot can go wrong in the distance.
I wonder if any of you can relate.
Insecure attachment styles can cause us to form unhelpful beliefs about each other and patterns of behavior toward each other, leading to confusion and pain in the relationship. That certainly has been our experience. It wasn’t until decades into our marriage that we started recognizing how our childhood experiences and attachment styles played out in our relationship.
I wish we had understood that long ago…
Nonetheless, once we recognized what was happening, we began the long, slow process of healing and restoration. Our behaviors have caused each other pain, which we are committed to working through. We also learned new ways of connecting our hearts deeply and safely. (Going through the Connection Codes Foundation Course and training to become Connection Codes coaches has been part of that process.)
Although our marriage was never in danger of ending because we had built a strong foundation based on our faith and delight in and admiration of one another, the process of repairing decades-long dysfunction has been challenging. We didn’t know what we didn’t know, but now that we do, we can’t go back.
We are on the road to building the married relationship God wants for us. We desire our marriage to reflect our faith and become a symbol of God’s love and provision in our lives. Our marriage has given us the opportunity to grow and become better versions of ourselves. For this, I am grateful.
If you can relate to our story or are struggling with emotional intimacy in your marriage, there’s hope to address your issues even if you’ve been married for decades. Whether you’re married or single, understanding your attachment style is a great first step to building healthy relationships with those close to you. Adam Young Counseling has some great resources to explore this topic further. Please reach out if you would like to know more or want help. Jeff and I would love to support you in building the marriage of your dreams!