A Real Problem

Brian (not his real name) gained 3 pounds in the last 3 weeks.

“I know it’s not great, but considering how much I’ve been eating and drinking lately, I’m just grateful it’s not worse.”

When I asked him what happened, he replied, “The usual.”

Oh.

I was well aware of what that meant. After all, Brian has been my client for years; I knew his cycle. He’s been trying to lose the same twenty-five pounds almost the whole time we’ve worked together.

His cycle begins with “ratcheting down” on his food or drinking behaviors while charting his daily exercise progress. This could involve:

  • Intermittent fasting
  • No alcohol
  • No carbs
  • No white food
  • Vegan food only
  • White meat and veggies
  • Random combinations of the above

Sometimes, Brian will tie his behavior to achieving a goal—like training for a long bike ride or a vacation; other times, he’ll simply decide he’s sick of being fat, and that’s that.

Whatever the reason, his cycle starts with “ratcheting down.”

After “x” amount of time—it could be a week or even a few months—old behaviors start to creep back in: too many drinks, eating past the point of fullness, sweets at bedtime. He’ll continue to act out with food and alcohol until he can’t stand it anymore.

Then, it’s time to ratchet down again.

No matter how many times we discuss why this will not work—I am a “non-diet” health professional—Brian will slide back into his old diet mentality. Sure, he’s much better than he used to be, but still—the cycle continues.

Although, by now, Brian recognizes that his issues go far beyond a lack of willpower with cookie dough ice cream, he is resistant to doing the necessary deeper work to get to the root of his food and alcohol abuse.

I get that.

It feels less scary to commit to a lifestyle of food deprivation than it does to open the black box of grief, fear, and loneliness that may be driving his behavior.

Here’s the thing, though…

Ignoring the pain and false beliefs that stem from our wounds does not lead to freedom and change. Rather, it keeps us in a cycle of undesirable behaviors and unhealthy thought patterns that don’t have a permanent solution.

Short-term fixes are just that. They work for a short amount of time… until they don’t.

What About You?

How many of us are stuck in cyclical patterns of thinking and behaving, hoping that sheer willpower (or avoidance) will bring the change we hope to see?

Perhaps you haven’t even considered that the way you think and act is not the real you—the “you” you are when you’re healed and healthy.

We all have learned responses that don’t necessarily reflect our true selves. For example, for most of my life, I thought I was an extreme extrovert, but as I’ve healed, I’ve discovered that I actually need quite a bit of alone time to recharge my batteries.

Connecting to our true selves and healing from unwanted ways of thinking and behaving is possible. How do we get from here to there, though?

It starts by digging beneath the surface of reactions to explore what is going on.

Photo by Emilie on Unsplash

You may be thinking, “But I don’t have any issues with my diet, and I don’t drink too much, so I’m not sure what this has to do with me.”

You may not struggle in the same way Brian does, but there could be a reaction or behavior that continues to manifest in your life despite a desire to change.

  • You struggle to say no
  • You chronically procrastinate
  • You struggle to ask for help
  • You want to be generous but find it very hard to do so
  • No matter how many times you set limits, you struggle to get off social media, YouTube, Netflix, etc.
  • You struggle to set limits on work
  • You have a pattern of telling little “white” lies
  • You avoid conflict at all costs
  • You are chronically late despite wanting to be on time
  • You struggle to regulate your emotions—either shutting down or exploding instead
  • You have a habit of making impulsive decisions that you often regret
  • You have high levels of fear about your children, causing you to want to control them
  • You struggle with unwanted sexual behaviors
  • You often react instead of being able to choose your response to situations or other people
  • You have a habit of telling others what to do, or you try to control them
  • You are unable to set healthy boundaries for yourself

You may identify with some of the things on this list and have no desire to do anything about it. Of course, it is your choice to live your life the way that works for you. For example, you may recognize that you’ve always had a hard time saying no, but you’ve decided to accept that trait as part of who you are and deal with the consequences as they come.

If that is you, I encourage you to pause for a moment of reflection:

  • Ask God to show you if that belief about yourself is true.
  • How is that behavior or mindset impacting others in your life? (Inevitably, our choices and behavior do influence those around us.)
  • How is that issue keeping you from fulfilling your call or destiny?
  • Are you comfortable passing this problem on to your children?

Sadly, some version of the problem you struggle with may later manifest in the lives of your kids.

Just sayin…

girl wearing blue denim jumpsuit
Photo by Jayden Seah on Unsplash

Okay…I Want to Go Deeper

Let’s assume you are tired of the “try harder” approach to dealing with ongoing, problematic patterns of behavior in your life. Maybe you recognize that setting up external controls like not keeping sweets in the house or forcing yourself not to look at your phone after a certain time at night doesn’t make the craving go away. You keep kicking the can down the road, but hey ho, at some point, the “thing”—the thought or behavior—is back like a bad rash.

Where do you start the process of lasting change?

The first step is to recognize the problem. Perhaps you never considered the craving for a 5:00 pm glass of wine or the hour scrolling through TikTok to be an issue. If you’re unsure, spend some time asking God about it. (See above.)

The next step is to pause with an attitude of kindness and curiosity to ask yourself, “What’s happening with me right now?” Don’t underestimate the power of the pause. Pausing creates a moment for you to interrupt the knee-jerk reaction that typically defines your next step. For example, if you notice that you’re on Amazon (again!) adding things to your cart that you have no intention of buying, don’t put your head down and ignore what’s going on. Nor should you scream at yourself to Stop, Stop, Stop! Long-term change is rarely achieved by beating yourself up. Kindness is key.

Use the Core Emotion Wheel to identify emotions bubbling beneath the surface. Most people react in unhealthy ways because they are disconnected from what is really going on inside them. We tend to hide behind logic or habit instead of processing our emotions, which drive our behavior—often much more than we like to admit.

For example, let’s say you find yourself procrastinating on a big work project yet again. Here’s a script of what you could do next:

“Oh, I’m noticing that I’m scrolling again instead of making headway on that project. (PAUSE). I wonder what’s happening within me. (TAKES OUT EMOTIONS WHEEL).

  • I feel fear that I will not do a good job.
  • I feel lonely with the burden of this project
  • I feel sad that I have to work right now
  • I feel hurt that my boss doesn’t appreciate how hard I work
  • I feel guilty about making a mistake on the project last month
  • I feel shame that I’m still working in a job that I hate
  • I feel angry at my co-worker for slacking off
  • I feel joy that I caught myself scrolling early

Notice that there is a lot of emotion going on beneath the surface, which drives a pattern of procrastination. By taking the time to name what we are feeling, we are in a much better position to tame our reactions. In other words, by processing the emotions that drive our behavior to avoid or medicate pain, we are in a better position to choose a different response.

Keep in mind your emotions are not good or bad; they just are. Try not to judge how you feel.

Ask yourself what you need. Once you have an idea of all the emotional drivers bubbling beneath the surface, you are in a better position to figure out what you need in the moment. Using the fictional example above, some potential next steps might be:

  • Call a co-worker for support
  • Ask God to help you get the project done, and trust He will do it
  • Forgive the boss and slacking co-worker for how they have hurt you
  • Forgive yourself for making mistakes in the past
  • Talk to God about the next steps in your career
  • Potentially speak to the boss about feeling unappreciated

Notice that many different factors could be contributing to avoiding work. Once you consider all of the factors, there is a greater chance of behavior change in the long run.

Lastly, ask for help when you can’t do it on your own. Let’s face it: change is hard. Also, many of us struggle to identify our emotions in the best of times, never mind when we are trying to learn new ways of coping. Emotional intelligence is a skill that takes a lot of practice, and even more so if you are doing this work on your own. Learning to slow down enough to be curious about what’s happening inside you can feel impossible—especially if you have unprocessed trauma in your past. Don’t beat yourself up or keep doing the same thing, hoping that this time will be different.

Ask for help.

P.S.

Remember Brian?

Well, I’m happy to report that in a recent session, he agreed to work through the emotions wheel with me for the first time. It was eye-opening to hear the amount of sadness, anger, fear, hurt, and loneliness he was carrying. It was no wonder he was eating and drinking to cope.

Although it’s going to take a lot more than one stab at the Emotions Wheel for Brian to heal fully, he now knows that Ignorance is Not Bliss.

There is a better way…

P.P.S.

If you want some help on your healing journey, please reach out. I offer one-on-one counseling sessions but also have two really helpful courses starting next week! See detail below:

  • Consider signing up for our upcoming Relationship Lab on Zoom starting February 6th. You will learn the basic skills of safe, emotional connection with yourself and others. (*Paid subscribers, you get 10% off the fee.)
  • Consider signing up for our upcoming 7-week Heart Healing Method Foundations Course. This is a great place to start if you want to explore the inner workings of your emotions and behaviors. It begins on February 4th on Zoom.

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