Written by How I Know
I’ve struggled with perfectionism and people-pleasing for most of my life. I never knew this was a bad thing until the symptoms started causing havoc in my relationships and my faith journey. Indeed, it’s challenging to follow God when you’re worried about disappointing anyone and everyone who crosses your path. For example, I used to worry about rescheduling a doctor’s appointment because I feared letting them down. I know…🤷🏻♀️
My fear of man was bad, y’all.
Overworking, not being able to say no, and constant low-grade anxiety was the water I swam in. I didn’t know anything different.
Because I masked my insecurity with achievement and people-pleasing, I may have looked good to some on the outside, but inside, I was riddled with self-doubt.
Once I recognized that my state of being was not normal or healthy, I willed myself to stop worrying about what other people thought of me and say no to working so hard.
I wish I could tell you that it helped.
It didn’t.
I even asked God to help me overcome my knee-jerk reaction to fret and fear when I thought I upset someone and to stop beating myself up when I made a mistake. Although I believe that God could have instantly healed me from insecurity and fear, that was not my experience; any improvement in my condition never seemed to last. I’d “white-knuckle” it for a while, and then old patterns of thinking and behaving resumed.
I felt like I was on a merry-go-round, but they’re only fun when you’re at an amusement park: they suck when they mirror the never-ending dysfunction in your life.
It was maddening…
And exhausting.
I wonder if anyone can relate.
Here’s what I know now that I didn’t know then: the wounds and traumas I experienced that underlined my people-pleasing and perfectionism didn’t magically heal with time.
Indeed, whoever said, “Time heals all wounds,” was a liar.
At a minimum, they were grossly misinformed.
You see, the impact of the things we experienced as children—whether it was your mother’s temper or father’s drinking, the bullying at school, or less dramatic situations such as being shamed in the locker room—doesn’t just disappear because thirty (or sixty!) years have passed.
Every memory—explicit or implicit—informs our thoughts and behaviors in ways we never imagined.
Because we aren’t robots, our human psyche has been molded by every experience we have had…
Even when we have little or no memory of them.
The Impact of Forgotten Memories
Perhaps you’re wondering how you could be impacted by experiences you don’t remember.
Implicit memory is a type of long-term memory that influences our thoughts and behaviors without conscious awareness. Unlike explicit memory (which involves the conscious recall of information), implicit memory operates automatically, guiding actions or thoughts based on prior experiences, even if we’re not consciously trying to recall them.
Implicit memory is really helpful when it comes to performing learned tasks automatically, such as riding a bike, typing on a keyboard, or driving a car. These activities are stored in procedural memory (a subset of implicit memory), which allows you to carry them out without actively thinking about each step. Over time, these behaviors become automatic and can be performed while your attention is elsewhere.
In other words, this is how your past experiences influence your present actions.
The same principle applies to traumatic experiences that are stored in implicit memory. Implicit trauma includes events that may have resulted in profound fear, loneliness, emotional pain, and helplessness. These events may include being dismissed, unheard, unseen, or rejected by caregivers. They can also include the experience of being mocked, ridiculed, gaslighted, or bullied.
Although you may not have explicit memories of those experiences, they can be stored away and continue to impact how you see and interact with the world.
That was certainly the case for me….
And time did not bring healing.
Ditto for my efforts to just try harder.
How Time Can Help
Before we consider what can help us heal, let’s give credit where credit is due. Time can and will be part of the healing process. The benefit of time is that it can:
- Create space for you to process a painful event or implicit trauma
- Allow space for self-reflection
- Create space for new activities, people, or habits as you heal
- Facilitate growth.
Here’s the catch, though:
None of the above are automatic or passively happen; it takes intention to heal.
The Road to Healing
It may seem obvious to point this out, but the first step to healing requires recognizing that you have an issue. It took me time to realize that people-pleasing perfectionism and low-grade anxiety were a problem. I also didn’t understand that intense reactions to people or seemingly small events had a name—triggers—and that I didn’t have to live with them.
Praise the Lord, and Hallelujah!
When Jesus said He came to set the captives free, He really meant it!
I encourage you to pause for a moment before continuing to read.
Quiet yourself and ask God to speak to you:
Is there any area of my life where I’m coping with wounds that need to be healed? Are my relationships being impacted by implicit memories that cause me to react in ungodly ways? Do I have triggers that need to be healed?
What do you hear, sense, or see?
Moving Forward
If you recognize that you have been living in pain, even if you have no idea why (implicit memories!), I encourage you to take one step to begin your healing journey. You don’t have to suffer from debilitating symptoms before dealing with your “little quirks” or mild triggers. Don’t rely on “time” or “white-knuckling” change in your life – neither will lead to the long-lasting transformation you’re hoping to see.
For example, if you struggle to be generous or get filled with anxiety at the thought of trying something new, that may indicate you have a wound that needs to be healed.
Why limp through life when you can experience greater levels of freedom and joy in your life and relationships?
Below are some steps that you could take; is one of them for you?
- Ask God to highlight areas of your life that need healing (see above).
- Find ways that work for you to identify and express the pain points in your life. You could journal, talk to God, or speak to a friend, therapist, or pastor.
- Honor your emotions: feel and accept what comes up without judgment. For the love of God(!), please don’t spiritually bypass or use logic to explain away your pain. Unprocessed pain can and will sit there for years. Remember, time does not heal by simply passing.
- Get support: people get hurt in relationships, but they also heal in relationships.
- Forgive people who have hurt you. I wrote about forgiveness here.
- Forgive yourself.
- If your hurt happened recently, give yourself time and space to heal. Time is your friend in this instance.
Dear Reader,
If you would like help on your healing journey, please reach out. I offer free 30-minute discovery calls, which you can schedule on my website. Paid subscribers who book a counseling package will receive an additional 10% off my already discounted rates through January.
If you want help learning to identify and express your emotions, we have a 4-week Relationship Lab beginning in February. To learn more and sign up, click here. Singles AND couples are welcome.
Lastly, I will co-lead a 7-week Heart Healing Encounter on Zoom on Tuesday evenings beginning in February. Reach out for more details.
Please comment below👇. I’d love to hear if you have already embarked on your healing journey! What has helped you?