Written by A Messy Dance
When we’re in good form, Jeff and I can glide around a Texas dance floor like the seasoned pros we wish we were. If the song is slow, like Amarillo by Morning, and we stick to a basic two-step, we might even be able to sing along rather than chanting, “Fast, fast, slow…fast, fast, slow,” to keep us on point.
On the rare times we hit that kind of stride, I imagine the on-lookers sitting at the bar pointing at us with admiration: “That couple makes it look so easy!”
Haha! If they only knew the truth.
Learning to dance together has presented obstacles far more challenging than practicing steps and navigating a packed dance floor.
The trickier hurdles have been overcoming issues in our hearts: anger, shame, fear, and hurt. We never knew when one of those emotions would hijack our perfectly choreographed waltz.
Our real-life relationship is a lot like that, too.
If life is slow moving and we only need to deal with the most basic tasks, you might conclude that we’ve got the marriage thing down and never step on each other’s toes.
Sadly, that assumption couldn’t be farther from the truth.
There are aspects of our relationship where we have had to go back to the basics because we were often out-of-sync with each other.
Exploring Beneath the Surface
A basic skill in relationship development is learning to assess what is happening beneath the surface of our behavior and sharing the underlying hurt, fear, and shame with someone else. Although this skill is necessary for building intimate and safe relationships, most people never learn to do it.
This is why many of us go through life reacting to others and creating scripts about the other person and their intentions in our heads rather than taking the time to figure out what’s really going on between us.
This makes for a very unpleasant “dancing experience” because we inadvertently keep stepping on each other’s toes. Eventually, we may even give up trying to dance at all.
If you have had to work hard to keep from stepping on your spouse’s toes, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
It is emotionally exhausting.
A Real-Life Example
After a recent class Jeff and I co-led, he asked me what would help me stick to our prepared slides. I could see that he was trying to be polite, but here’s what I heard:
“You messed up our teaching.”
Immediately, I felt annoyed.
In my mind, I did stick to the slides.
After discussing the logistics of the situation—what I did and didn’t do—we concluded that part of the problem was due to a miscommunication. In theory, that conclusion should have ended the discussion.
However, several minutes after the conversation finished, I was still unsettled. My anger was simmering beneath the surface, and hurt had joined the party. Although Jeff was now discussing a completely different topic, I couldn’t focus on what he was saying because my emotions had hijacked my brain.
Here are some of the thoughts that were bouncing around in my head:
- Jeff is judging me
- He is overly critical of how I do things
- He doesn’t appreciate my gifts
- Everything has to go his way
- He is making a mountain out of a molehill
- It’s too difficult to work with him
- He should teach by himself
Notice how the story I began to tell myself not only justified my pain but reinforced it. (This is called a defensive reaction.)
It’s no wonder I concluded that our “dance” of teaching together was too difficult to continue.
I wanted to give up.
How We Navigated the Dance
Thankfully, because Jeff and I have learned to look beyond our surface reactions to figure out what’s really going on in our hearts, I reengaged with him by saying, “Hey, I’m still feeling out of sorts about our conversation. Can you help me process how I’m feeling?”
It’s worth pausing here for a minute to make several points.
- In the past, I would have allowed my inner dialogue to lead in this conversation. Instead of asking Jeff to help me process my emotions, I would have accused him of what I listed above; accusation never allows for smooth dancing.
- By letting Jeff know I was experiencing hurt and anger, I took responsibility for my emotions. I encourage you to do the same. No one is responsible for your emotions but you.
- Even though it was so tempting to blame Jeff’s shortcomings for my emotional turmoil, I have learned that my emotions often have much deeper roots than what is happening at the time.
The conversation that followed was long and, at times, difficult because we either got caught up in logistics or allowed old judgments about each other to cloud what was being said. When that happened, we returned to where we had fallen off track and started again using our tried-and-true tools of connection and safety.
We also sprinkled in some “Help Us Jesus” prayers along the way.
That is the “secret sauce” of connection….
By the time we thoroughly processed what was happening beneath the surface, I had a better understanding of why a conversation about slides took so much time and emotional energy to navigate. Here’s what I learned about myself and Jeff:
- When I think my gifts or abilities aren’t appreciated, it triggers a longstanding fear about my worth and value. In this case, Jeff’s insistence on sticking to the slides led me to believe he didn’t appreciate my way of teaching and interacting with the group. This triggered an old and deep pain about not being seen or valued. When this happens, I sometimes respond by fighting back (in anger) to cover that pain. Other times, I shrink back and want to hide. In this case, I was tempted to tell Jeff to finish the course without me. My response seemed dramatic until I understood what was happening in me.
- Jeff recognized that he experienced fear of shame—he feels shame when he is disorganized, and not following the slides seemed disorganized to him. Because shame is a powerful driver of behavior, understanding Jeff’s experience helped me understand why he seemed to be making such a big deal about the stinkin’ slides. His motivation was not to control me; rather, he was trying to avoid experiencing shame by appearing disorganized. This revelation about my husband immediately caused me to reevaluate the script I had written about him in my head.
Wait…what??
How is it that we have been married for thirty-eight years and didn’t know that about each other?? 🤷🏻♀️
I’ll tell you how: Up until recently, we didn’t understand the importance of paying attention to what our emotions were trying to communicate. In the past, we were left with no choice but to react to emotional triggers without digging deeper. A seemingly simple comment about slides would’ve ended with hurt and disconnection in our relationship.
Now, instead of being tempted to judge Jeff as prideful and controlling, I have learned that there is a scared and insecure part of his heart that is just trying to stay safe. Although I can’t fix that wound in him, I can support him as he pursues healing from the pain that drives him to protect himself.
And—he can do the same for me.
So now, instead of being at odds with our seemingly incompatible teaching styles, we are on the road to being able to dance together with grace and humility.
What About You
If you are wondering how you can learn this basic yet often challenging skill of human connection, I have a few suggestions:
- Begin to get curious about your emotions. It’s time to go beyond “That’s just the way I am” to “I wonder what’s happening in me that’s causing my (fear, anger, hurt, sadness, loneliness, shame…) right now.” Your emotions are messengers. Check out my post about emotions here.
- Start to pay attention to the scripts you play in your head. When you find yourself judging another person’s behavior—”He’s trying to control me”—without considering what may be happening inside them, you have already begun the process of stepping on their toes.
- Begin to be curious about the patterns of behavior or reactions your significant other displays. Remember, there are likely unrecognized hurts and wounds that may be driving their behavior.
- Learn and utilize this very important phrase: “What’s happening for you right now?” This phrase is an invitation for your significant other to be curious about what is going on inside of them. It’s a great phrase to use on yourself as well.
- Use the “Help me, Jesus” prayer often. You may not understand why you or your spouse/partner reacts as they do, but He does. Ask God to help you be curious and kind as you learn to dance with each other.
- Consider signing up for our upcoming Relationship Lab in February. You will learn the basic skills of safe, emotional connection. (*Paid subscribers, you get 10% off the fee.)
- Consider signing up for our upcoming 7-week Heart Healing Method Foundations Course. This is a great place to start if you want to explore the inner workings of your emotions and behaviors.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post! I’d love to hear from you…Please consider commenting below.
Do you find yourself making judgments about someone else’s behavior instead of being curious about what’s happening inside them?
Do you find yourself reacting to your partner/friend but don’t know why?
Do you make up scripts in your head about other people? (Hint: we all do this…)