I missed connecting with you last week! Instead of continuing to write about sex, I was in California speaking about it.

Not to the whole state, mind you…

I spoke to a small group of married, single, and divorced women who attended a retreat I was co-leading.

In case you’re impressed that I spoke about sex in public, let me be clear: I didn’t speak as an expert in the field of sex and sexuality but as one who is battle-worn and bruised…but not out for the count.

Like the apostle Paul, I shared my thoughts with fear and trembling and with the deep conviction that what I’ve learned can and will help others.

The time spent with these women only reinforced my conviction that many, even most, followers of Jesus aren’t walking in sexual wholeness. Instead, sexuality is a topic of confusion, ignorance, and pain. However, the ladies were eager to learn, and many took notes.

For example, when I mentioned that the only purpose of the clitoris—a sex organ unique to women—is to provide pleasure, one eager learner asked me how to spell it because she felt it to be noteworthy.

Noteworthy indeed!! 🥳🙌

In religious circles, women often receive the message that it’s their job to satisfy men and have not considered that this was not God’s true intention—I mean, He gave women a tiny organ whose sole function is to bring them pleasure. I don’t know about you, but this “fun fact” makes me love God even more.

Jesus may “love the little children,” but His love for women is next level 🤯.

Photo by Monica Saavedra on Unsplash

Perhaps you may be thinking, “That’s all well and good from a head-knowledge level, but what am I supposed to do with the pain and confusion related to sex that I’m currently dealing with in my own life?”

Good question!

I ended my last post about our corporate sexual brokenness with the promise of good news, so let’s pick up where we left off. In Luke 4:18-19, Jesus proclaims good news to the poor and freedom for the prisoners, and He also promises to set the oppressed free. Those promises apply to every area of our lives, including our sexuality. Although I believe God can swoop in and bring supernatural healing in an instant, healing and restoration often come through a process in partnership with Him.

Let’s examine what that process might entail:

  • Pursue truth: God created sex, and as the creator, He knows best how sex is to be enjoyed. Satan is the father of lies, and we know his mission is to kill, steal, and destroy. Sadly, the subtle (and not so subtle) lies of the enemy pervade culture, making it near impossible to navigate our sexual selves in a life-giving way. For example, culture promotes the message that the gift of sexual pleasure can and should be used at any time and in any way that an individual wants it. Sharing the gift with someone else has even become an optional extra. Unless you know what God says about sex (by reading His word, the Bible), it’s easy to be pulled in a harmful direction. I encourage you to study what God says about sex for yourself. Let God’s word be your guide.

“All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right.” (2 Tim 3:16)

  • Seek resources that align with Biblical truth to help you on your healing journey. Keep in mind that a book or podcast should never override God’s truth. However, these resources are presented from a Godly perspective and could help you on your healing journey.

    Here are a few suggestions that you may find helpful:

    Rethinking Sexuality by Julie Slattery

    The Great Sex Rescue by Shelia Wray Gregoire

    The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Shelia Wray Gregoire

    The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex Because Good Guys Make the Best Lovers by Shelia Wray Gregoire

    The Sex Talk You Never Got: Reclaiming the Heart of Masculine Sexuality by Sam Jolman

    Authentic Intimacy Website

    Moral Revolution Website

    Be Broken Website

     

  • Seek and apply God’s wisdom: Reading God’s Word is not the same thing as applying it. We must walk out Godly wisdom to receive healing. For example, Scripture shows that forgiveness is not an optional extra in God’s economy. We are forgiven as we forgive others. Forgiveness isn’t for the sake of the person who harmed us but for us to be set free from torment. Although many believers understand this concept, it’s difficult to put it into practice—especially if the person you need to forgive is yourself. If that is you, ask God to help you with this. Unforgiveness toward yourself is a prison: Forgiveness is the key to freedom.

    I also encourage you to apply God’s wisdom if you seek therapy. Consider finding someone whose practice is rooted in Scripture. Ideally, your therapist understands how God brings healing into broken minds, souls, and relationships. Repentance and forgiveness are powerful spiritual practices that aren’t always discussed in secular therapy. Of course, if God can use a donkey to accomplish His purposes (Numbers 22:28), He can also work through unbelievers. However, why not seek a person of faith to help you in your healing journey?

     

  • Engage in healing relationships: Just as brokenness—abuse, rejection, or abandonment—happens in relationships, healing also comes through relationships. When we confess our sins and brokenness to others, healing comes (James 5:16). Christian psychologist Dr. Larry Crabb notes, “Real healing has less to do with technical intervention and more to do with profound relational engagement. I realized that the context for this engagement needs to be in the community of God’s people—the church.”

    In other words, we don’t heal in isolation. It took me some time to recognize the wisdom of this recommendation because shame kept me isolated and stuck. Joining a sexual trauma support group has been very healing for me, but so has talking openly about my struggles to my husband and friend. You only need one person willing to listen to your story without judgment to begin the healing process. Who is that person for you?

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” James 5:16

  • Learn the language of emotional intimacy: Many of us mistakenly assumed that good sex involved nothing more than learning the mechanics of a physical encounter. If you have read my last few posts, you now know that never was what God intended. Great sex happens when we give our whole selves to our spouses within the safety of a covenant relationship. Emotional intimacy is an important foundation for sexual intimacy. Therefore, we need to be able to open our hearts to each other to know and be known in our relationships.

     

     

    Jeff and I can attest to that truth. I have learned more about my husband in the last few years than in the first thirty-five we were together because we have learned how to share our deepest emotions with each other. Although this skill would have come naturally to all of us as young children, somewhere along the way, we learned to push our feelings down. Most of us need to relearn this critical foundation for healthy sexuality.

    We found the Connection Codes Foundations Course to be extremely helpful for learning this skill. Jeff and I are certified Connection Codes coaches so that we can help others. (Reach out to purchase the Foundations Course at a discount or a coaching package.

     

  • Personally encounter Jesus: Psychologist Julie Slattery writes this: “Psychology can’t make you whole, a friend can’t redeem your life, and even God’s Word lacks the power itself to bring freedom. The Holy Spirit uses these avenues to invite us to encounter the Healer Himself.” Wow! Did you know that is even a thing? I hope you do! Friends, second-hand knowledge about God from a therapist, friend, or spouse isn’t enough. There’s a vast difference between you telling me that God loves me and me experiencing that love for myself. Encountering Jesus brings healing. I encourage you to pursue Him…

     

    This brings me to my final point: Healing involves more than the absence of symptoms. Healing ultimately means we are free and connected to God in relationship. It means knowing Him instead of simply knowing about Him. I encourage you to not settle for less.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jer 29:13)

I pray this post has blessed you and inspired you to start your healing journey. If you think you will need help, please contact me at jeanie.hosken@restorationcenter.life. Mention this post to receive an additional 10% off a package of counseling sessions.

P.S. I would love to hear about your experience with any of the resources I suggested. Do you have any others to recommend?

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