Written by How often have you said, “I wish I knew then what I know now?”
Lots, right?
Me too.
For example, if you’ve been reading my posts for a while, you may recall how I spent my early years as a dietitian worried about fat in my diet. Because fat was the food villain of the ’80s, there were countless products on the market that proudly carried a “fat-free” or “low-fat” claim. This inspired zealots health-conscious people, such as myself, to purchase tasty foul-tasting products such as Snackwell Cookies rather than what we really wanted: homemade chocolate chip cookies straight out of the oven. What I didn’t understand back then was that food rules and trends will never replace the wisdom of God when it comes to feeding our bodies. I wrote about this in a previous post.
If I had figured this truth out in those early days as a dietitian, my life would have been better for it. For example, I wouldn’t have wasted money on fat-free ice cream. (After all, doesn’t it make sense that ice cream would have cream in it?)
Agh…to think that I could have been eating Häagen Dazs all along…😩
Although the above example might seem somewhat trivial in the grand scheme of things, other lapses in my learning have not been so inconsequential.
For example, one of the topics I wish I knew more about in my younger years is sex.
Before you worry that this post will suddenly descend into X-rated territory, let me assure you it won’t. My goal is not to shock or embarrass you. However, as you consider your own beliefs and experiences with sex and sexuality, I can’t guarantee that you won’t feel uncomfortable.
And that is part of the problem.
Although the world has no problem with bringing up sex at every opportunity, the church is mostly silent on the topic, thus giving the impression that sex is just too embarrassing to discuss. Sadly, this means many of us come into marriage discipled by the world.
And that too, is a problem.
It’s no wonder that many, if not most, couples struggle with sexual intimacy at some point in their marriage. Believers just tend to avoid discussing it. As a result, many couples (including Jeff and I) suffer alone in silence.
It’s time to begin the conversation…
While there could be many reasons why we struggle in this area and with communication, I suspect a lack of understanding of what God thinks about sex could be part of the problem.
Let’s start at the beginning: God created sex. It’s His excellent idea, and He’s not the least bit embarrassed that you have sexual thoughts and desires. Indeed, they are part of your God-given design. Sex is one of God’s extraordinary gifts for mankind. Sadly, most of God’s children don’t understand that, causing them to use the gift in a way that was never intended.
Part of the problem is that the world would like you to believe that your sexuality is nothing more than a personal expression of identity and feelings and, therefore, sex has nothing to do with God. However, if you believe that God is the creator of humanity and our sexuality, we must rightfully conclude that He is the one who defines the purpose and parameters of its expression.
In other words, He is the one who understands what it takes to have a great sex life.
“For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Gen 2:24)
Let’s first consider some of the design features of human sexuality. Clinical psychologist and author Juli Slattery summarizes the physiological features of sex in her book Rethinking Sexuality.
“Having sex within a committed relationship releases in our bodies chemicals such as oxytocin (a bonding hormone), dopamine (a neurotransmitter hormone that makes us feel good), and endorphins (natural painkillers and stress reducers). A man’s semen acts as an antidepressant for his sexual partner when absorbed in the vagina. However, engaging in the same sexual activity apart from a committed relationship has the opposite impact, particularly for women. Having more sexual partners is associated with poor mental health in women, and “even getting married…doesn’t erase the emotional challenges for women who have had numerous sex partners in their lifetime.”
Isn’t it interesting how God programmed our bodies to bond to the person we’re having sex with and that the benefits of sexual activity are negated when we have multiple sexual partners? (By the way, oxytocin is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her nursing baby.) I can see how that would be a very handy design feature in keeping married couples connected.
I don’t know about you, but I think that might have been helpful to know as a teen. The only message I got was, “sex is a sin outside of marriage.” Unfortunately, that sometimes got translated as “sex is sinful.” 😬
Dear Church: Thanks for nothing…
In addition to the physiological design features of sex, God created sexual intimacy in marriage to teach us about His covenant love with us. This is not the first time He used physical creation to teach spiritual truths. Jesus often used images in creation—shepherds, flocks, vineyards, wineskins—to explain spiritual realities. Why would He not use sex in the same way?
One of the most important spiritual realities that God wants to communicate is the message of the Gospel: God’s passionate love for people is displayed in His offer to redeem mankind from sin so that we can live in a covenant relationship with Him forever.
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)
The covenant of marriage and sex within marriage helps us to understand this spiritual truth. God pledges his covenant love to us, regardless of our behavior.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
Christian marriage is meant to mirror this kind of covenant love. This is why many of us pledged to stay with our spouse “for better or worse; in sickness and in health.” In other words, love is not a feeling; it is a promise.
Juli Slattery notes that God created sexual intimacy in marriage to teach us about our covenant love with Him in two specific ways: Covenant love should be passionate(!) and it will always involve sacrifice. Slattery offers deep insight about passion in marriage:
True sexual intimacy in marriage is not just about making your body available. It’s about giving your whole self to your spouse. It requires trust enough to enter into passion. Many couples who have sex have never experienced sexual intimacy. A man and woman can share their bodies without being fully present with each other emotionally and spiritually. They may check out mentally or bring to mind fantasies or images of another person while being physically one with their spouse. Just as passionate intimacy is a key ingredient of great marriages, it is also an important expression of our love relationship with the Lord. God is not a distant God. His love for you is not simply a sterile call to obedience. He invites us to enter into the passionate celebration of covenant love with Him.
The second component of covenant love is sacrifice. Slattery notes: “If marriage is a picture of God’s covenant love for us, why would marriage not also require unselfishness and sacrifice as part of that picture?”
Indeed. Jesus’ love for His bride (the church) was reflected in His sacrifice on the cross.
Although sexual intimacy is a celebration of the covenant between spouses, it is “also a tangible learning lab of covenant love, at times asking you to deny our own desires out of love for your spouse” (Slattery). In a culture that urges individuals to fulfill their own desires in almost every area of their lives, this message can be hard to hear.
Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matt 16:24-25)
I want to finish by sharing a quote from pastor Tim Keller’s sermon entitled, “Love and Lust.”
“When you use sex inside a covenant, it becomes a vehicle for engaging the whole person in an act of self-giving and self-commitment. When I, in marriage, make myself physically naked and vulnerable, it’s a sign of what I’ve done with my whole life…. Sex is supposed to be a sign of what you [have] done with your whole life, and that’s the reason why sex outside of marriage, according to the Bible, lacks integrity. You’re asking someone to do with your body what you’re not doing with your life. You’re saying, “Let’s be physically vulnerable to each other, let’s do physical display, disclosure but not whole-life vulnerability.” If you have sex inside a covenant, then the sex becomes a covenant renewal ceremony. It becomes a commitment apparatus…. You’re getting married all over again; you’re giving yourself all over again. It’s incredibly deepening and solidifying and nurturing…. In marriage, when you’re having sex, you’re really saying, “I belong completely and exclusively to you, and I’m acting it out…. I’m giving you my body as a token of how I’ve given you my life. I’m opening to you physically as a token of the fact that I’ve opened to you in every other way.”
In closing, I anticipate that the thoughts presented in this post may be entirely new to you. You may feel emotions that take you by surprise, and that’s okay. I encourage you to stay curious and be kind to yourself in this process. God will meet you wherever you are. Would you be willing to invite him in?
If you have reflections about this post, I would love to hear them!
Please reach out if you need help processing what came up for you!