Finding Joy in Grief

Some days, grief seems to be waiting for me to open my eyes in the morning. Before I even sit up in bed, it reminds me of loved ones who have checked out of my life and failed dreams that have gone up in smoke. Grief attempts to sabotage the hope of a new day with the dull emptiness of loss and pain. It’s the worst…

Today was one of those days.

Of course, grief never really goes away; its intensity ebbs and flows like the sea on the shore. Sometimes, it crashes hard enough to knock me over, while other days, I barely notice it’s there. The pain can be intense or mild, and everything in between, but there’s one thing that the pain hasn’t done: disappear.

Grief can be like that.

While I’m convinced that we can never escape loss— be it death, failed relationships, loved ones moving away, loss of health, or career disappointments—there are seasons when grief seems to be particularly intense. Sadly, I am in one of those seasons.

Perhaps you are, too…

But whether you’re in a season of deep grief and intense pain or merely mild disappointment, joy doesn’t need to take a back seat in your life. I’m convinced that seasons of deep grief can also be times when great joy and delight can be experienced.

Let me share what I’ve learned about grief and joy.

It’s important to acknowledge your pain. When we take time to process the debilitating emotions that grief unleashes, we make room for joy to come in. Keep in mind that processing pain is not a one-and-done exercise. If you are in a season of grief, whether big or small, you already know that just because you acknowledge and process your pain one day doesn’t mean it won’t be back tomorrow. I am months into regularly pouring out my heart to God in my journal and processing my pain with Jeff. Sometimes, I cry; other times, I complain. The critical point is to let your pain out. Do it as often as needed because unprocessed pain can dampen your joy.

Decide to look for joy: Pockets of joy are all around you, but you must decide to look for them. If you are not used to this practice, ask God to help you notice the joy surrounding you and linger in it long enough to allow your soul to smile. Because grief hit me as soon as I opened my eyes this morning, I took extra time to sit quietly with my coffee as I gazed out my window. Although my sadness didn’t immediately disappear, the joy of looking at the sunflowers in my front yard allowed my pain to mingle with the joy of seeing the beauty of creation. I was then primed to experience all kinds of joy when I later went out for my walk:

• Gorgeous flowers
• A stream of running water
• The satisfaction of passing people on a steep climb
• Seeing older people running with their dogs
• Looking back to see how far I’d come

Make space to process your joy: If you want to make more room for joy in your life, it’s important to give it a place to land. In other words, label it and linger in it. Some of the ways I label joy in my life is to say things like:

• OMG, I LOVE this.
• How gorgeous!
• That’s fabulous!
• This is just great!
• This is THE BEST (________). For me, this is usually some kind of food🤷🏻‍♀️.
• Go me!
• Guys! How great is this??

Those who know me well can attest that I often repeat those phrases over and over, intensifying my joy. For example, when eating an ice cream cone on a hot summer’s day, I may say, “Oh my gosh, I LOVE this!” and “This is the BEST!” and “This makes me SO happy,” over and over. This is a joy multiplier.

Put your grief in perspective: Although it’s important not to neglect or spiritualize your pain (see step one), it can be helpful to remind yourself that your life and God’s plans for you are far more extensive than your grief. One simple way I do this is to kneel and put my forehead on the ground. This gesture of humility reminds me of how much bigger God is than all that I’m going through. As I did that this morning, I said, “God, I am hurting this morning, but you are so much bigger than my pain. You are the one who sees the big picture here and knows what I need. I invite you into this pain and ask that you work through it to bring transformation and healing into my life.” I also like to remind myself that one day, every tear will be wiped away, and there will be no more death, mourning, crying, or pain (Rev 21:4). That encourages me as I process my hard feelings now.

Take a walk: When your pain feels particularly heavy, consider using the blessing of physical activity to release your natural mood elevators (endorphins) into your system. Endorphins help relieve pain, reduce stress, and improve mood. Although I processed my pain and experienced lots of joy as I hiked this morning, I still benefited greatly from the mood boost that exercise provided.

Receive God’s love and love others: Jesus told his disciples, “If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.  My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you” (John 15:10-12). Jesus describes the key to receiving His complete joy. It entails receiving His love and loving others. If you have not experienced the love of God for yourself, it’s never too late to do that:

• Meditate on scripture that speaks of God’s love. John 3:16 is an excellent place to start.
• Quietly still before God and ask Him to fill you with His love.
• Ask someone who knows the love of God to pray for you to receive it.
• Ask God to help you love others.

Let’s not forget that Jesus experienced extreme grief in his betrayal and deep sorrow as he went to the cross. On the night he was betrayed, he uttered, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” (Matt 26:28). Yet, it was Christ’s sacrificial love for you and me that allowed him to experience joy as well.