Written by My husband doesn’t care about me.
It’s easy for him to forget about me.
He doesn’t care about my opinion because I’m not as intelligent as he is.
Writing those words was painful. I imagine reading them is painful for my husband, too.
I’m ashamed to admit that I unconsciously believed those judgments about Jeff for much of our marriage.
And the truth is, a piece of my heart still struggles to let go of those beliefs today.
But I am well along on the road to transformation…
Why Lenses Keep Us Stuck
Lenses are false beliefs through which we see ourselves and others. These false beliefs act as mental filters, coloring how we interpret other people’s actions and words; they shape our perceptions, expectations, and judgments—often to the detriment of ourselves and our relationships.
Lenses cause us to see what we expect to see rather than what is true.
Lenses are harmful to us in several ways.
- Self-Limiting Beliefs – If we see ourselves through a lens of doubt or past failures, we might avoid challenges, believing we’re incapable of doing great (or even good) things.
- Imposter Syndrome – Viewing ourselves through a lens of “not being enough” can make us feel like frauds, even when we succeed.
- Overconfidence or Blind Spots – If our lens tells us we are always right, we may struggle to admit mistakes or ignore areas where we need to grow.
- Identity Shaping – Unhealed wounds from childhood may leave us feeling unloveable or lead us to expect that we will always be rejected. If we have a lens of “No one loves me” or “I am not good enough,” we’ll experience those things over and over again. Alternatively, beliefs about who we “should” be can trap us in societal expectations rather than who God created us to be. For example, if your family taught you that success means graduating from college and finding a good paying job, you may view being a stay at home parent to mean you have failed in life.
Lenses also hurt other people in a variety of ways:
- Misjudgment & Stereotyping—Viewing people through lenses can lead to unfair assumptions about who they are. The root of many relational conflicts is incorrectly judging or stereotyping others. I share an example of that problem below.
- Empathy or Lack of It – Lenses cause us to make assumptions about other people, which impacts how we treat them.
- Influence on Opportunities – Bias can affect hiring, friendships, and support systems. Have you ever been left out of a group because someone made an assumption about you that wasn’t true? I have and it’s painful.
Here’s the problem: When the lenses are not recognized and false beliefs have taken root, it’s difficult to change harmful, ingrained thought patterns.
In other words, the lenses are self-reinforcing.
Ask me how I know.
A Simple Example
To say that Jeff is intelligent is an understatement. I’m sure there are more gifted people than him, but I have not encountered many. He is well-read, and more impressively, he appears to remember everything he reads. Because his undergraduate degree is in physics, he was trained to process information on the basis of facts and logic, with a healthy level of skepticism. He therefore tends to minimize points of view that aren’t backed up by observable facts and a logical, well-thought-out train of thought.
I am very different to Jeff.
Although I have always achieved academically, I’ve struggled with insecurity for most of my life. The roots of this issue are very deep—well before Jeff ever came on the scene. I never felt intelligent despite grades and accolades that suggest otherwise. I have struggled with imposter syndrome and still fear making mistakes. And, I read people and situations pretty well and am sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit. I’m much more likely to use the words “I sense” rather than “I know.” (Jeff is more comfortable with “I know”.)
It is also true that I’ve had lenses (beliefs about myself and others) that don’t align with how God sees me or how He sees other people, and these lenses have caused problems.
Let me be blunt: Jeff’s intelligence, confidence, and value for logic, combined with my insecurities, have led me to believe Jeff doesn’t value my opinion. I expect my opinion to be discarded if it doesn’t make complete sense to him.
For example, when we sold our house a few years ago, I asked the God what the selling price should be and heard a specific number. Job done, in my mind. Jeff inevitably pushed back against that number with facts, logic and wisdom from the numerous books he’s read about the art of negotiating. Because I had my old lens on—Jeff doesn’t care about my opinion—I was hurt. We eneded up fighting about the price instead of seeing what the real issue was: I thought he didn’t value me.
While our different ways of looking at a situation can lead to conflict, they can also lead to strong collaboration and “filling in the gap” for each other. Sadly, my lenses and seeing Jeff through them means our discussions lead to conflict more often than collaboration, resulting in more conflict and heartache in our marriage than either of us wanted or expected.
One last truth—although we are in a much better place than we used to be, we are still a work in progress. Getting rid of lenses is not a “one and done” event, but a lifelong process.
How Lenses Are Formed
The way we see ourselves and others is shaped by a variety of influences. These influences act as filters that change our perceptions, often without us realizing it. Some key factors that create lenses include:
- Early Life Experiences & Upbringing – The values, behaviors, and beliefs instilled by family and culture lay the foundation for how we view the world. For example, if you grew up in a home that prioritized work and busyness over rest, you might judge yourself and others through that lens, i.e., you may see overworking as a virtue and judge people who rest as lazy.
- Personal Experiences – Successes and failures, relationships, and significant life events shape how we interpret situations. For example, a past betrayal may create a lens of distrust or the belittling of a teacher may create a lense of failure. My dad teased me about being “ditzy” as a child, contributing to how I viewed myself for years.
- Media & Social Influences—What we consume through news, entertainment, and social media affects our opinions and biases, sometimes reinforcing stereotypes or fears. For example, constant exposure to “perfect” bodies or faces on social media can lead teens to see themselves through the lens of perfection, resulting in extreme body dissatisfaction.
How Can We Recognize and Change Our Lenses?
Recognizing and getting rid of our lenses requires the hard work of intentional self-reflection. It means NOT chalking up our thoughts and behaviors to “it’s just the way I am”, but instead getting curious about cyclical patterns in your life. For example, if I had been more insightful when I was younger, I would have gotten curious about my fear of making mistakes or why I continued to feel stupid despite graduating in the top 1% of my class. I also would have gotten curious about the cyclical conflicts that Jeff and I found ourselves in. It would have been helpful to wonder whether the perception that Jeff doesn’t value my opinion was true.
Here are some practical steps you can take to identify and dismantle your lenses:
- Self-awareness: Ask yourself, “Why do I think this way?” or “What emotions are bubbling up regarding this situation?” It’s really helpful to ask someone else—a counselor, a trusted friend, God—to guide you through this process. None of us see ourselves accurately, making it hard to see on our own where we might have lenses.
- Ask God for help: When you recognize you have a lens, ask God to show you where it came from. Identifying the root of your false belief helps you remove it. He may show you people that you need to forgive or word curses that you need to break. Remember, words have power—especially from parents, teachers, or other authority figures in your life. If you have been labeled by your parent, you have very likely come to believe something about yourself that just isn’t true.
- Challenge Your Assumptions: It is always important to identify and process your emotions. And, you also need to recognize your emotions don’t always lead you to the truth. Because I often felt hurt when Jeff and I discussed an issue, I incorrectly assumed that he was purposely doing something to cause that hurt. I didn’t realize I was wearing lenses, which would always lead me to feeling hurt. Today I might still experience hurt when we talk, but I now understand that the problem isn’t necessarily with him. Lenses that I have not fully overcome may be distorting how I view the situation. When I am able to slow down and process my emotions first, I’m in a better position to challenge my assumptions.
- Renew Your Mind: Romans 12:2 encourages us to be “transformed by the renewing of our mind.” This involves prayer, studying scripture, and seeking God’s wisdom to align our perspectives with His truth. Ask God to show you how He sees you or your relationship. Commit to speaking out God’s truth as declarations each day. You can write specific declarations that speak to your situation or general ones that affirm who you are. Below are a few examples:-Through Jesus, I am 100% loved and worthy to receive all of God’s blessings (Colossians 1:12-14)-I am the head, not the tail. I have insight. I have wisdom. I have ideas and divine strategies. I have authority (Deuteronomy 8:18; 28:13; James 1:5-8; Luke 10:19)-I have a sound mind. Today, I will think the right thoughts, say the right words, and make the right decisions in every situation I face (2 Timothy 1:7)
- Practice Empathy: Ask God to help you see others as He sees them: with love, grace, and the potential for redemption. It’s easier to do this if you have forgiven them for any hurts they may have caused. Bitterness is a very strong lens in itself, and it often leads to other lenses. You may need to forgive yourself as well.
- Repent: It’s also important to repent of judging others because of your lenses. The more Jeff and I have connected with each other, the more aware I am of how I have incorrectly and inappropriately judged him over the years. It’s incredibly painful to have someone you love judge your heart. Asking God to remove your lenses is crucial to stop hurting others.
The bottom line is that Jesus urges us to remove the “plank” from our own eyes before pointing out the “speck” in someone else’s (Matt 7:3-5). When we ask God to help us recognize our lenses, we can grow into people who see with clarity, wisdom, and grace.
So—what lenses are you wearing? 👇🏻
Dear Reader,
It can be challenging to identify and dismantle lenses on your own. If you need someone to help you on your journey, I am here for you! You can book a free 30 min discovery call here.