Written by Although my memory often fails me (unless the experience involves food 🤷🏻‍♀️), I have no trouble recalling the conversation Jeff and I had while hiking several years ago. We were discussing our relationship.
On the surface, things were good. We survived his job loss in 2020, sold our house, and moved into a tiny home on wheels—twenty-eight feet long, to be exact. Sure, there were teething pains as we (ahem) “negotiated” how to divide the space fairly. (We each felt passionate about our respective collections: shoes (me) and photography (him), and there was little room for either.)
Thankfully, as veteran movers and experienced backpackers, we had mastered the fine art of “making do.” We can overcome anything if we have duct tape, dental floss, and a good meal.
And overcome we did…
We relished our time in nature and delighted in the unexpected pleasure of showering while parked in the middle of nowhere. It didn’t matter that the shower was limited to one minute; it was enough.
The more significant challenge for me was coping with the growing realization that despite experiencing this incredible adventure of living on the road, our hearts were far apart. Because we lived in a very small space, 24/7/365, there was no place to escape the distance between us.
At least not for me.
Back to the conversation…
Although I don’t remember much of the scenery on the hike, I do remember how frustrated I was when I expressed myself to Jeff. I couldn’t get him to understand what I sensed in my heart. Yes, we had fun and enjoyed each other’s company, but we had a problem with intimacy.
Jeff didn’t get it.
Although he didn’t deny how I felt and agreed to my proposed solution, Jeff made it clear I was the one with the problem: “I don’t need it. I’m fine.”
Thank God we were walking: The movement in my body kept me from screaming in frustration.
Finally, I managed a reply:
“You think you’re fine because you’re content to sit in a cave all by yourself, but the people outside the cave are not okay.”
Jeff stopped walking and turned to face me.
Although I don’t think he fully comprehended what I was saying, I finally saw a tiny crack in the cave.
Unrecognized Loneliness
Jeff’s inability to recognize our problem with intimacy was for a good reason: He had gotten so used to coping with his loneliness by burying it with information (reading) that he was unable to recognize the impact his isolation was having on others. (This man could disappear in a book, comic book, book store, or news article like nobody’s business. Heck, he could get lost reading a cereal box.)
He also didn’t see it as a problem for himself. He was quite comfortable in his little cave.
Perhaps you are in the same boat…
Warning: loneliness is more of a problem than you may think.
Loneliness is a worldwide epidemic that is finally getting the recognition it deserves. The U.S. Surgeon notes that loneliness poses health risks as deadly as smoking.
“We now know that loneliness is a common feeling many people experience. It’s like hunger or thirst. It’s a feeling the body sends us when something we need for survival is missing.”
However, just as many people ignore the body’s signal for water or food, they do the same thing with the signal for connection.
Loneliness Defined
It’s important to note that loneliness is not the same as being alone or identifying as an introvert. You can be lonely in a crowd of people, and you can be not lonely when you’re alone.
Loneliness results from not being fully seen or known by another.
Because we are wired for connection—to be seen and known—we develop various coping mechanisms to deal with the pain of disconnection. In other words, the pain and traumas of our past drive the strategies for coping in the present.
Although coping mechanisms can manifest in harmful ways—think addiction to substances, porn, food, shopping, or social media—not all coping mechanisms are destructive: They can manifest as hard work, caring for others, or achievement. I coped with my loneliness by combining all three. I didn’t recognize my loneliness when I lived in a frenzy of activity. However, the busyness covered up an emotion I didn’t know how to identify.
My busyness may have looked very different from Jeff’s “sitting in a cave” reading, but the outcome was the same: both helped us feel safe when confronted with the pain of disconnection. Although our strategies to stay safe made sense in the moment, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t confront loneliness head-on.
Why?
Simply put, God said so.
When God said it’s not good for man to be alone, he addressed our basic need for connection. God intended that Adam and Eve would know each other as He did.
This was not a casual knowing.
Genesis 4:1 says, “Adam knew his wife Eve and conceived.” Yada is the word for know. The same word is used in Psalm 139: “Search me, God, and know my heart.” and “You searched me, God, and know me.” Thus, God intended that we would be known deeply and completely.
Thus, our need for connection and our desire to be known is hardwired into us.
You can numb or distract all you want, but you do this at your peril.
We need each other.
What To Do About The Loneliness Problem
- Start by getting curious.
Perhaps, like Jeff, you don’t recognize your loneliness. You may have developed long-standing patterns of coping that keep you from recognizing that emotion. Or it could be that the dull, aching, chronic pain is so familiar that it barely registers anymore. Either way, it’s important to tune in to what is happening inside you.
Sometimes, it’s helpful to start noticing behaviors that may point to an emotional root. For example, if you reach for your phone more than you want to or your family complains that you keep zoning out, the root cause might be loneliness. Overworking, over-serving, or always being there for others (but rarely opening your own heart) can also be symptoms of loneliness.
Addictions can also be symptoms of loneliness. Be curious and kind as you look beneath obvious behaviors your loved one complains about. Jeff immersed himself in books for years before I recognized it as a problem. I never understood the root cause of his checking out was loneliness.
- Practice naming your loneliness.
Instead of reaching for your phone when your partner grabs theirs, express your emotion instead. “I feel lonely when you are on your phone at dinner.” Keep in mind that you are expressing your emotion to identify and process your pain, not to use it as a weapon against your partner or friend. Someone else is not responsible for fixing you. Rather, naming the emotion helps you get it out of your body; then, you can determine what to do about it.
- Cultivate meaningful connections in your safe relationships.
There are people in your circle who long for the same deep connection you seek. Remember, we are all wired for connection. The problem is that not everyone will provide the safety you need to open up. Finding people who will listen without dismissing or rationalizing your feelings or experiences is important. Wouldn’t it be great if our church groups could be places where individuals could open their hearts without getting a Bible verse slapped on the problem like a bandaid?
Lastly, if you find yourself resistant to the idea that you may struggle with loneliness, ask God about it. Are you able to share the depths of your heart with Him? Can you share the depth of your heart with others? Who else in your life truly knows you? Are you comfortable using the language of the heart (emotion) to express yourself?
There is no shame in feeling stuck in this area. You may have never learned how to connect with your heart, making it difficult to share it with others. However…
Change is possible!!
It’s been incredible to witness my husband’s transformation. He has learned to pay attention to what is happening in his heart and express it rather than bury himself in reading. (To clarify, he still reads a lot—learning is a passion—but there is a noticeable shift in the time and intensity of this outlet.)
If you need help planning your next steps or can’t determine whether well-established coping mechanisms are masking loneliness, I encourage you to reach out. Jeff and I found the Connections Code Foundations Course very helpful on our journey. (If you sign up, we can offer a 20% discount on the listed price. Contact me for details.)
Lastly, if you are a leader in your church or workplace, consider how to help those you lead better connect to themselves and others. Jeff has extensive experience working with teams and would happily assist you.
Dear Reader,
What is your experience with loneliness? How do you cope with disconnection?