Written by Before I got distracted in Italy last week (not the worst place to lose focus), I wrote about the impact of early childhood attachments on close relationships. In that post, I shared how childhood experiences and attachment styles have manifested in my marriage to Jeff. That subject was eye-opening for us; I hope it was insightful for you, too.
Before I transition into a related but different topic, l want to pause here for anyone in a challenging relationship season.
Here is some encouragement…
Unpicking old patterns of interacting can feel a bit like hiking those long, steep climbs that we encountered in Italy last week. We had to take it slow and steady to avoid becoming breathless. It can be like that in our relationships as well; marriage—like hillwalking— can be hard work. That’s why it’s important to keep taking slow but determined steps forward. Yes, it’s a challenge, but you don’t need to move faster than you’re able.
Just. Keep. Movinggggg…..
…And make sure you look back often to appreciate how far you’ve come. Any hiker knows this; the satisfaction of seeing our starting point off in the distance is often motivation enough to keep moving forward.
The perspective shift is key.
But what if that is not your experience?
You might be a securely attached person, and your primary relationships may be with other securely attached people. Maybe you’ve never dealt with the insecurities that come with insecure attachment (If you aren’t sure, I suggest you listen to Adam Young’s podcast, “How Your Attachment Style Affects the Way You Relate to Other People,” to learn more about attachment.)
If you are securely attached, you might assume that your relationships are guaranteed to be smooth sailing.
Sadly, that is not always the case.
There is something else that can negatively impact your relationships even more than attachment styles: Unforgiveness.
Stick with me on this because this is important…
As someone who has worked with countless people over the years (singles and couples), I assure you that unforgiveness acts like a tiny cancer cell that can eventually infect the whole organism. And, just as cancer doesn’t always end in death, unforgiveness doesn’t always end in divorce or the termination of a relationship. (We all know people who stay married but no longer live with grace and love toward each other.)
However, if a living organism isn’t growing, by default, it’s dying…This is what the “cancer” of unforgiveness can do to a relationship.
I suspect this is why many couples claim to “fall out of love.” Has this happened to you or someone you know?
If so, seeds (or actual trees) of unforgiveness may be to blame.
“Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” (Col 3:13)
If you consider yourself a follower of Jesus, you already know we are called to forgive when someone hurts us. Jesus makes it clear that if we want to be forgiven, we are required to forgive others. This message is repeated over and over throughout the Scriptures because forgiveness is good for our souls. Seeds of unforgiveness have a way of growing bitter roots that rob you of being able to offer love and compassion to others.
Sadly, bitterness happens in relationships far more than it should.
I believe there are three fundamental mistakes that many people make about forgiveness.
The first mistake is a common one: People never truly forgive.
Let me explain: Suppose your spouse does or says something to hurt you but then offers an apology. That’s great! However, repentance from one person doesn’t guarantee forgiveness from the other. The act of forgiveness requires action.
What does this action look like? We do this by first acknowledging our pain (“I felt hurt when you ignored me at dinner”) and then offering forgiveness (“I forgive you.”)
This is a necessary practice to implement no matter how small the transgression.
Many of us don’t take the time to do this, and that is the problem. Painful slights will get buried, only to grow together and resurface another time. Remember, people don’t die from a few cancer cells. The sickness manifests when the cells continue to grow and spread.
Unforgiveness is no different.
The second problem is many people don’t understand how unforgiveness in other relationships can impact one’s primary relationship. Unforgiveness doesn’t operate in isolation. Just as a single cancer cell can eventually spread throughout the body, a small amount of unforgiveness can creep into unrelated relationships.
For example, suppose a woman grew up in a home with a mean and controlling father. If she has not done the hard work of forgiving her father and processing her pain, the unresolved trauma could manifest in a way that seeps into her relationship with her husband. In other words, the wife may see her husband through the lens of her childhood trauma and pain (or visa versa.) Roots of unforgiveness need to be dealt with in every area of our lives, not just our primary relationships.
This is because the bitterness of unforgiveness cannot be contained or isolated. It will manifest in other areas of our lives.
The third misconception I’ve observed about forgiveness is this: People mistakenly believe that forgiveness is the same as reconciliation. That is not the case; it is possible to forgive someone without reconciling with them. (You can forgive someone who has died or someone whom you haven’t seen in years and no longer have contact with.) If a person isn’t safe or unwilling to admit that their behavior needs to change, it may be impossible to rebuild the trust needed for reconciliation. And that’s okay…Abusive people don’t get to be in your life just because you forgive them. You can forgive and still have healthy boundaries.
This is a good place to pause and reflect on who you may need to forgive. In your quiet time, I suggest you meditate (think carefully and deeply) on the following questions. Make sure you ask God to show you those hidden cancer cells.
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For what do I need to forgive my spouse? (Please don’t brush off small slights as if they’re no big deal. Take care of those “cancer cells” as they pop up.) Make a list of what you hear/sense God is showing you. Take time to forgive each one (even if you have not gotten an apology.) Forgiveness doesn’t require an apology. I suggest you use the same pattern in the previous paragraph: acknowledge the pain and release forgiveness.
It could look like this: “God, I feel angry and hurt that my wife doesn’t appreciate everything I do around the house. I feel defeated and hopeless. I don’t want to hang onto this pain anymore, so I choose to give it to you. I forgive her for not appreciating me. What do you want me to know about his situation?” Write down what you see, sense, or hear.
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Is there anyone else I need to forgive? Are you holding unforgiveness toward your parents, a co-worker, or someone who hurt you when you were a child? If you feel angry and bitter about your childhood, you likely have some work to do. NOTE: This doesn’t mean what happened to you was not wrong or that it didn’t matter. You don’t need to deny hurts; however, forgiveness is still required. It is for your benefit, not theirs.
In summary, if we want to have healthy relationships, forgiveness needs to be a regular and ongoing practice throughout our lives. Period.
Let’s commit to getting good at this together! Give me a 👍🏻 if you’re in.
I would love to read your comments or questions below! Do you struggle to forgive others?
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