Written by Calling Forth Goodness
Dan and Becky’s young son was frozen in fear on top of the ski mountain. Although he was usually a confident and skilled skier, a recent accident on the mountain broke him. Andrew took one look at the steepness of the slopes and refused to ski down. He was petrified.
At first, Dan tried using logic to get Andrew to move. “Son, you are a great skier. This is not hard. Let’s GO!”
Nope. Andrew’s averted gaze and defiant body language communicated more than Dan wanted to hear: He wasn’t budging.
At this point, any hint of compassion for Andrew dissipated into a black cloud of anger.
Becky quickly stepped in: “I’ve got this. Why don’t you just ski ahead, and we’ll meet you at the bottom.”
Dan glared at his son but stopped short of saying another word. He skied about two hundred yards down the mountain before stopping to see if Andrew and Becky were following.
They weren’t.
Instead of continuing down the mountain, Dan watched Becky do her best to cajole their son into skiing back down. He could see that her face was full of compassion and her body was relaxed and attuned to their son. Still, despite her best efforts, Dan could tell she was getting nowhere.
He was done.
Dan’s black cloud of anger burst into a full-blown rage. He snapped out of his skis and began stomping back up the mountain.
By the time Dan reached his wife and son, Becky was protectively standing in front of Andrew. Dan ordered her to move, yet she remained peacefully defiant.
Becky reached out and placed her hand on Dan’s heart. “I know there are men who have brought you heartache and humiliated you as a child. I know what it has cost you.” Without removing her hand, she continued: “I also know you are a good man who doesn’t want to bully or humiliate your son.”
Becky’s compassionate truth stopped Dan in his tracks, causing his rage to evaporate into the thin mountain air. Her awareness of the brokenness and beauty of Dan’s humanity allowed her to respond to him with empathy and encouragement. As she addressed his wounds from the past and the current struggle, she assured him he was capable of more.
At that moment, Dan remembered who he was.
When Dan and Becky told this story, they made the point that we all show up in our relationships as a patchwork of beauty and brokenness: beauty because we are the image bearers of God and brokenness because we suffer wounds from living in a fallen world. We sometimes overlook the beauty of this patchwork because the wounds of the past can drive some rather unpleasant behaviors (like raging up a ski mountain to confront a frightened child).
Have you ever considered that your reactions and behavior patterns are responses to the wounds you incurred in childhood? Even if you had great parents, you inevitably suffered wounds along the way. Unless those wounds are identified and healed, we develop ways of coping with the injury to avoid the pain. It’s like limping through life with an infected toe and screaming in pain whenever someone bumps it.
This is why it’s helpful—even necessary—to understand our past to make sense of what’s not working in the present. If we refuse to consider how our upbringing may play out in the present, we may find ourselves “trying harder” without seeing lasting results. We stay stuck in ingrained patterns that repeatedly play out in our relationships, thus concluding that change is impossible.
While it’s tempting for followers of Jesus to quote scripture—”I’m a new creation in Christ” (2 Cor 5:17) to justify not looking back, we must consider how our past is playing out in the present so we can invite Jesus into the healing process. It’s true that when we accept Jesus as our savior, we are new and sanctified in Him, but there is still work to be done. Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross assures us that restoration is possible (see Isaiah 61, Luke 4:18), but we also must work out our salvation with fear and trembling (Phil 2:12). The Greek verb rendered (work out) means “to continually work to bring something to completion or fruition.” We do this by actively pursuing obedience in the process of sanctification (becoming holy, Christlike.)
In other words, this means dealing with our junk.
How Our Past Shows Up
If you’re unclear about what it means to deal with “your junk,” see below for a sample of behaviors that may indicate you have unprocessed pain from your past.
- You have a pattern of shutting down or exploding in your relationships
- You can’t break out of perfectionism or people-pleasing behaviors
- It’s difficult for you to manage your emotions if your routine or structure is disrupted
- No matter how hard you try, addictive behaviors seem to creep back in
- You feel the need to be right or find blame
- You have a difficult time identifying your emotions. You consistently default to thinking rather than feeling.
- You prefer to stay hidden, or conversely, you always need to be the center of attention.
- You live with constant anxiety
- You have trouble connecting with your kids
- You routinely struggle with getting good sleep
- You struggle to set boundaries
- You feel it’s your responsibility to make other people okay
Although this is not an exhaustive list, I hope that you will take a moment to ask God if any of these “symptoms,” or others, may indicate there is a wound from the past that needs tending to. (Consider pausing here.)
The Power of Knowing Our Story
It wasn’t until I was almost sixty that I began to examine how my own story played out in my life and relationships. I wish I had done that sooner. To quote Christian psychologist Dan Allender, PhD., “You were formed in your earliest classroom, by your family of origin, in many ways you’re unaware of. If you don’t look deeply below the surface and see why you function the way you do and why you feel the way you do, you’ll be letting those weed roots keep you from change.”
I know that has been true for me.
It’s also been true for Jeff.
Knowing our stories gives us context for why we do what we do and points us in the direction we need to go to be healed. Sharing our story within the context of a safe relationship can provide what we need to grow.
Relationships Matter
Seminary professor Sandra D. Wilson, author of “Hurt People Hurt People: Hope and Healing for Yourself and Your Relationship“ says that we are hurt in relationship, and we are healed in relationship. “Our deepest wounds come at the hands of those we love and trust, and if we do not deal with this early trauma, it is a seed that will grow to dominate how we deal with all of our closest relationships in our lifetimes.”
Looking back on Dan and Becky’s interaction on that mountain, we see an example of how that truth played out. Becky was well aware of Dan’s history of pain and humiliation at the hands of his father, a coach, a mentor, and peers. As she watched her husband storm up the mountain, prepared to subject their son to the same harm he had suffered, she recognized and identified that harm while calling him into his true identity as a good and kind man.
Dan has never forgotten that moment. He admits that he is no longer the same man who raged up the side of that mountain. In those moments of friction and grace, the Spirit of God used Becky to soften Dan’s heart and cultivate more gentleness and humility in his life.
Although the marriage relationship is ideally set up to facilitate this kind of healing and transformation, you don’t need to be married to benefit. A close friend, support group, prayer partner, or therapist can provide the security needed for you to explore relational patterns that helped you survive the pain you encountered in your upbringing.
A Way Forward
- If this is the first time you have considered the idea that your past may be playing out in how you show up in the world and your relationships, consider sitting with God to talk with Him about that idea. Ask him to highlight patterns of behavior or thought that may have roots in the wounds you have suffered. You could also ask him to show you the root (memory) impacting you. What does He want you to know or do with that memory?
- If you are married, consider talking to your spouse about your childhood experiences to contemplate together how your experiences may manifest in your current situation. (You could also check out Dan Allender’s book, The Deeply Rooted Marriage.) It’s vital that you listen with a lens of curiosity and kindness rather than judgment or condemnation. Sneering, “You’re just like your dad,” is not helpful.
- If you’re not married, you could begin with step one and then ask God who would be a good person to speak to about what came up. You might also consider finding a counselor or therapist to help you.
- Consider joining a confessional community. Christian psychiatrist and author Curt Thompson advocates confessional communities to facilitate healing and transformation. For more information, check out this handout or Curt’s book, The Soul of Desire.
- Begin to be curious about the behaviors of the people in your life. Rather than judging others because of their behavior, try to get curious about why they may act in the way they do. Knowing that each person is made in the image of God, challenge yourself to look beyond the behavior to call out the beauty of how God made them. Think of it as calling out the gold inside.
Lastly, if you would like help with the process of healing from your past, please reach out for more suggestions or to book a discovery call with me.
Question: Do you have barriers that keep you from doing this work?
Question: If you have done some work in this area, what did you learn?